The Story of My Life

March 2006

I’ve been thinking for a while about the past events in my life and I decided to write my story. Last week I had a deep a meaning conversation with Mr. Bridgman, a famous life couch; and he suggested I should write about the inner most event of my life. He suggested for me to make a blog account where I could express sensitive parts of the story on my life which I’m gonna do.

But since the poem I posted entitled “Journey” it has open a new door where the journey is going on. I remember it was last February 13, 2006 where I started opening up to my friend Anatole Guerrero of Philippines about the traumatic events of my life without knowing that our conversation has brought new challenges on how I see life.  With how I’m feeling now it gave me inspiration to talk more about the innermost secrets that only I know about and I wanna inspire people who have the same traumatic experience.

 

 

 

For the BODY, for the MIND and for the SOUL here goes..

THE STORY OF MY LIFE

 

DARK IN EVERY DARKNESS

While I’m still walking going nowhere full regrets, when suddenly a van appeared in front of me and blocked my path and three guys went down and tried to grab me and take me to the van but I fought and two more went down. Now, I was over powered and so they succeeded to get me in the van.

When I saw who was in the van, it was one of the guys who always greets me on the radio whom I always ignore and I said to myself I wish I had listen to my boyfriend. This is when all my nightmare begun, while in the van I was trying to get out of it he hit me so hard on my stomach I almost puke and I the other guys were helping him hold me down cant do anything bout it.

All I could do is curse at him and shout, and now he started to rip off my clothes and kiss me all over and started to molest me while all the other guys were watching and taunting me and laughing and they were taking drugs from time to time now what’s going in my mind is how much I’ve save my self for the person I love if only I knew this would happen to me. I wish I’ve just did it with my boyfriend. This guys is so evil I was bleeding cause I was still a virgin he lick the blood and swallowed it while I could here laughter all round me.

Now we arrived in a mountainous area where we change vehicle they tied me up in a motorcycle and brought me in a quite secluded place near a river all the time. I wish my boyfriend would show him self and haunt them to scare them away. Now he raped me again on top of a big rock where four men held me down on my hands and legs and was masturbating while they watch him rape me and after he got.

A bottle and inserted it in me and after had the other guys lick the bottle, it was hell what I went through. I was really feeling disgusted he was dragging me by my hair and I was bleeding everywhere cause of cuts. I get from the dragging he was raping every where I can’t remember how many times but I know it was a lot of time.

 

DEVILS IN MY NIGHTS

It was already early morning that time. I was not able to sleep and was very tired I told myself “I wish he had just killed me”. I’m really so tired they hid me in a room I was naked and full of cuts and bruises. I was so weak at that time I was shock when I notice inside the room there was a lot of VHF radio which he used to monitor me and who I was talking to. He forced me to eat but I threw it away I said “I’d like to die and finish this suffering”. I beg him to just kill me but he only laugh at me.

He still abused and molested me a lot of times. I was feeling so dirty and disgusted with myself after a couple of days he raped me. One day, he talked to me and told me he loves me so much and his ready to face the consequence of what he did to me, and that he would marry me he even cried. I told him “why did you not courted me and why did you have to do this I’ve been nice to you why do you have to ruin my life”. I begged him to let me go home he agreed and said he will marry me I told him “if that’s the case just kill me”. He went out and was doing an amok shouting and cursing. I heard there was a commotion outside among his friends suddenly I heard a few rounds of gun shots I got really scared. When suddenly he went in the room again he asked me again. “What are you go marry me or not?” I told him “fuck you I’d rather die than to be married to an beast like you please kill me now” and he pointed his gun to me it was riffle at this moment I’ve submitted myself to the lord.. I said “In you my God my body will rest in hope” and after that, he cried he was crying while he was aiming the riff riffle at me I begged him to kill me.

He went out of the room again. I got the bed sheets and covered myself. I stood up and went near the VHF radio there, I saw a lot of stolen pictures of me and also saw a news paper clippings with his picture he had committed a lot of murders. He saw me reading the news clippings where he was on the front page he told me “I can kill all your family” I got really scared I told myself “. I can endure all of this but I don’t want my family to go through this”. He slapped me and said “Fuck you love me” I told him “Fuck you too you’re the devil! Kill me! I don’t want to see your face ever again!”

He got a shirt and shorts and gave it to me to wear and he grab me out of the room, and made ride an old car, and suddenly one of his friends hit him he cursed and said “Fuck you leave me alone!” and he shot the trees around and shouted “if you don’t leave me alone I will kill you all”. While I was riding the carI knew it was the end of me so was saying the rosary and that’s when I notice how far he has taken me we have past a lot of men with guns and he knows all of them. I fell asleep and when I woke up we’re already in front of my house I looked at him and said “thank you” he held my hand and told me. “I love you, I really love you so much” I hurriedly went down of the car and ran to our house at that time there was no one home and I didn’t have a key to get in so just stay at the corner and waited for some one to arrive. My sister arrived she was shocked and said “where have you been? Mom was worried bout you” and she was looking at my cuts and bruises I didn’t answer I just ran to my room and locked myself in.

My dad was knocking on my door the night they got home, I just told them I just want to be alone. I didn’t want them to see my cuts and bruises in my body I didn’t want them to see me. I was crying and crying, and thinking why have all this happened to me? My dream was to have my marriage to be sacred, and was saving my self for the man. I would love I never believed in premarital sex. I have valued my self and in just an instant all is gone. Since the day he brought me back home I just noticed he was parked at the back of our house watching my house and almost every night he was watching and stalking the house.

After a couple of weeks I was surprised when he suddenly one night went to my house and formally talked to my parents. He asked my parents for my hand in marriage and he was with a few members of his family and the guys who was with him when he raped me. My mom was crying she went to my room and she talked to me and told me “Me and your dad have work so hard so you would have a nice life all I wish is for you not to ruin it just like that” I could not speak I didn’t want to hurt my mom I love her so much, I love them so much and I know if I told them what had happen to me it would break their heart, and he would kill my family so I just told her I don’t want to go down. My mom said to me” you have a lot of suitors why don’t you just go for them instead of this guy; My mom knows I don’t like this guy. She was wondering he never been courting me and suddenly his asking my hand in marriage and my mom also knows that this guy is quite a scary character. I hid what had happen to me for a month he was watching and stalking me. I didn’t want to go out of our house. He follows all my suitors to their home and harassed them and tells them “Suzette is mine she’s all mine!”

 

 

DARKNESS EVERYWHERE

Months have past since the last time I saw that devil suddenly one day he just showed up and forced and took me again in his car, and like before he was with the six men he was with. I know what would happen to me I was preparing myself cause I know it was the end of me; I told myself it is ok cause my suffering would now end I thought everything would be over but to my surprise it was for the worst he brought me in a secluded place and that’s where it all begun.

They were drunk, I remember most of the events but honestly there are a few which I can’t recall and I don’t know why; all I know is that they have beaten me up, and I was bleeding when they place me on top of the one of the tables. I thought the demon was the only one who would carve a deep scar in my now devastated; being but until now I would admit, I can’t accept and still have nightmares bout what had happen to me.

Now was spread eagle on top of the table and the demon started to use me, and after a few hours of his abuse before the night was over; the six men took turns in raping me and I can feel my strength slow getting weak, and I could hear all there laughter and slowly I felt like was loosing my breath. I wasn’t able to struggle and I could not cry anymore. I was getting numb of the abuse. I was just staring at the sky lookin at the stars and waiting for my fate to be sealed but fate was unfair, its been a few days they have took turns in abusing my body and I was telling myself this are not men this can only be done by demons evil beings.

Once they have left me in one holding cell. I cant describe it, but I could not remember clearly, and I cant recognize it if I was like a big dog kennel or something; but as I could remember I felt like as in hell with the devil and surrounded with his minions I was bloody weak and I think I was loosing my mind; cause all I could think was how to end this by ending my life and what would it be like on the other side. I had a chance on my thoughts when I had the opportunity to grab one of the guns, but one of the men saw me and slap me really hard and I could not remember what had happen next.

I could not remember anymore the details of the event the had happen to me after that all I know is one day I woke up surrounded with a lot of people. I thought I was dead and was in the after life and they asked me who I was and I thought the people around me are angels, and would be asking me what have I done in my life when I was with the living; when I slowly had gain my full consciousness I realized I was not dead and I was still with mortals. I screamed and started crying cause this was not what I was hoping for what I wanted was to meet my maker, and end all this suffering I’m enduring. I was feeling the pain again as I was still with mortals and I was still with the living I don’t want anymore am so tired of this pain, and I don’t want to be live my life anymore.

I could not remember anymore you could say I am loosing my mind but the truth of it all is with the things I am writing it is helping and making me feel good cause I’m able to let out this things I have kept to myself for a long time. I don’t think I can write all the details that had happen to me cause with all the memories I try to remember is like opening old wounds again and forever in my life. I would be having this scars and memories of this seven men who had abused and raped me till my grave all the sounds of their laughter, screams and every breathe and disgusting abuse they did to me they have molested every part of my body, from the pulling of my hair like it would have been up rooted, and my eyes who have witness all the evil and unspeakable things the put me through and my hands where I had to hold disgusting parts of the body it is painful to remember all this things, and at this time I’m feeling anger when before all I do is write blogs cause of self pity, but now I’m writing because of ANGER and now I can feel may RAGE and ANGER for those men who has ruin my life and my principles in life FUCK THEM ALL and I HOPE THEY DIE!

I have no idea where all of this things I have revealed would bring me this might cause men to disrespect me, or they would not love me the way I should be loved because of what those demons did to me, and my body. but FUCK THEM I am feeling great now since I’ve started to share what had happen to me. I’m a brought up by my parents in the values of our faith as my dad an ex seminarian and my mom who is devoted to mother Mary. Yes, I have been a devoted catholic and was brought up in our religious customs. I was thought not to curse but for the first time, I’m just letting out this pep up anger inside me and I’m not feeling guilty doin it. I am crying now but my tears are not for the pain but for the freedom, I’m having now once again FUCK THEM ALL FUCK THOSE DEMONS who had ruin my life and I thought I won’t be able to tell my story and just carry to my death bed.

 

Having Post traumatic Stress Syndrome is like having a cancer.. Victims have emotional pains that no one could understand because there's no signs of physical pains to show off....

-------    and it's really hard to explain how painful it is..